Fleeble Widget (fleeblewidget) wrote,
Fleeble Widget

Not listening anymore

I've just sent off an email to Oxford Samaritans explaining that I won't be re-joining them, and outlining some of the things which made it difficult for me to get involved with the branch when I transferred there from Aberystwyth, in hopes that the next person will have an easier time of it.

I'm feeling... all kinds of things. Although I've already set things in motion to start volunteering with a different organisation (there's rather more choice round here!), Samaritans holds a special place in my heart and the fact that I'm not one of them anymore is kind of devastating. It feels like the path I started down in October 2003 with such hope and pride has come to an abrupt and ignominious end.

I'm also questioning my own motives in providing feedback. It's pretty easy to tell myself that I just wanted them to learn from my experiences, and to help make life easier for the next guy. But, with a gnawing feeling of self-loathing and shame, I'm rather afraid that somewhere in the back of my mind I wanted them to read my comments and suggestions and think "wow, this person really knows a lot about being a Samaritan and we completely failed her!". This was good-bye forever, and yet I still wanted them to think well of me. Which is odd, because usually when I tell people to push off out of my life I couldn't care less how they feel about it. I suppose this is because I really liked being a Samaritan and I didn't want it to end this way. *sigh*

In other news, we were visited by roughly one kerjillion trick-or-treaters yesterday, mostly in big scary gaggles. We had to do an emergency re-supply, despite having laid in four bags of little chocolate bars. Turns out there are loads of children living in our area. Either that, or one very enterprising group with lots of costume changes.

Also we watched Ghostwatch. It was scary. I slept very badly last night.
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